Its A Sin
by Stina1
Summary: JCS-Fic. It`s about the last moment in Judas` life and combines the lyrics from "Judas` suicide" with "It`s a sin" by the Pet Shop Boys. Feedback is very much appreciated! :)


He drags himself to an empty place, bare and black as is his mind. Dark torn clothes clasp a soul that´s torn apart, capture a heart that`s an open wound. Red eyes in an unshaven faces search through the darkness for a way to escape, a way to release the biting pain. He stumbles across the place, disoriented, unsteady, not even trying to look above; there`ll be no help from above, not for him anyway, for he has committed the unforgiveable crime. Hot waves of shame flood over him, and he falls down to the unfeeling ground; crumbled to a heap of fault he lays in foetal position, his body shaken by spasms of a soul fighting to find a way out, but there is none. Dark shine like crimson blood, that will be spilled soon, pours upon him, and with his last rest of strength he pulls himself up stumbling through red darkness towards a threateningly towering bridge. He shudders and hesitates as if he has hit an invisible wall, then his shoulders tauten slightly and he climbs onto the bridge, his empty gaze wanders off into the nowwhere, unable to focus anymore.  
  
MY MIND IS IN DARKNESS NOW  
  
Tears glisten in eyes, that lost their sparkle, when his life was dragged away in that fateful night. The stars shone bright and crickets chirped quietly. The perfume of summer filled the air, sweet like the lips, he drank the essence of life from; an essence that turned to bitter poison on his own lips. Crickets became silent, stars turned into dead bodies of stone and winter froze his soul, leaving him in in grey emptyness.  
  
MY GOD I AM SICK  
  
I`VE BEEN USED  
  
He didn`t want it, he never wanted it. But he had no choice, he was chosen, abused. His eyes wander up to the sky, but only lightless coldness stares down on him. He raises his arm accusingly, tears dim his sight, burning from the core of his heart to the sore sockets of his eyes, without bringing him release. Why had it to be him? From all people, why had he been chosen? Wasn`t he a child of HIM at all? Why did HE make him bear the cross, damned him for all time? Why had HE pushed him into the abyss of eternal blame without the mercy of oblivion?  
  
AND YOU KNEW ALL THE TIME  
  
GOD I`LL NEVER EVER KNOW  
  
WHY YOU CHOSE ME FOR YOUR CRIME  
  
YOUR FOUL BLOODY CRIME  
  
A snare slowly sinks down and he desperately reaches out for it.  
  
YOU HAVE MURDERED ME, YOU HAVE MURDERED ME, MURDERED ME, MURDERED ME  
  
Hot glowing pain breaks his brain, takes away his senses leaving him with nothing but pure hate. Hate towards himself, hate towards the world, hate towards the one who made him do this. With desperate determination he pulls the snare closer and hesitates, as he notices a semicircle of grey faceless figures standing out against the shadows.  
  
TWENTY SECONDS AND COUNTING ...T MINUS FIFTEEN SECONDS  
  
Voices mumble with cruel monotony, pitilessly, indifferently, bringing him closer to eternal damnation, and suddenly memories flash through the darkness of his mind.  
  
WHEN I LOOK BACK UPON MY LIFE  
  
IT`S ALWAYS WITH A SENSE OF SHAME  
  
I`VE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE TO BLAME  
  
Back at home switches had taught him that he was to blame for anything, no matter if he had done anything or omitted to do something. He learned that he was to blame for anything he said, for anything he didn`t say.  
  
FOR EVERYTHING I LONG TO DO  
  
NO MATTER WHEN OR WHERE OR WHO  
  
HAS ONE THING IN COMMON TOO  
  
IT`S A IT`S A IT`S A SIN; IT`S A SIN  
  
EVERYTHING I`VE EVER DONE EVERYTHING I EVER DO EVERY PLACE I`VE EVER BEEN EVERYWHERE I`M GOING TO IT`S A SIN It`s a sin  
  
Was he to blame that he had a brain to use? That he had eyes to see the misery? That he had hands to act? That he had a heart to feel?  
  
AT SCHOOL THEY TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE  
  
SO PURE IN THOUGHT AND WORD AND DEED  
  
Sticks taught him that he was supposed to obey, not to think; that he was supposed to pray, not to act, that he was supposed to adapt, not to feel.  
  
THEY DIDN`T QUITE SUCCEED  
  
A bitter smirk steals onto his lips as he thinks of the bruises he earned with a sarcastic smile, an autonoum thought, a critical word, a forbidden touch. And yet he`d never given in, insisted stubbornly on thinking for himself, deciding for himself, doing what he thought had to be done, never expecting the help of anyone, wearing his bruises like a crown.  
  
FOR EVERYTHING I LONG TO DO  
  
NO MATTER WHEN OR WHERE OR WHO  
  
HAS ONE THING IN COMMON TOO  
  
The sunhaired man with eyes like an endless ocean had reached out for him, and he took his hand without second thought, turning his back onto the system that`s never wanted him. His words became his bible, his eyes became his light, his thoughts became his way, his smile his paradise, and even though the feeling was nothing but honest and pure, he still could hear society whisper:  
  
IT`S A IT`S A IT`S A SIN IT`S A SIN  
  
EVERYTHING I`VE EVER DONE EVERYTHING I EVER DO EVERY PLACE I`VE EVER BEEN EVERYWHERE I`M GOING TO IT`S A SIN  
  
Soon he began to see that they were going wrong, that the wolves just lied in wait for them, waiting for an opportunity to tear them apart, and he couldn`t sit beside him, watching how they glided towards extinction. He had to think, decide, had to say something, do something. He screamed, cried, fought against what he saw was necessary to do, but in the end he obeyed the only master, he`d ever trusted, his own mind.  
  
Tears stream along his face. He would never have hurt him, if he only had known, if he only had understood. But he didn`t understand, he just saw it was going out of hand, and he turned to the system for once in his life hoping to prevent the worst.  
  
FATHER FORGIVE ME I TRIED NOT TO DO IT  
  
TURNED OVER A NEW LEAF THEN TORE RIGHT THROUGH IT  
  
He had shattered his new life, because he wasn`t able to trust in what he couldn`t comprehend.  
  
Lifting his head his eyes meet a figure that`s different from the rest. Golden locks flow down framing a face with eyes, so blue like the summer sky.  
  
WHATEVER YOU TAUGHT ME I DIDN`T BELIEVE IT  
  
He extends his arms, but the gap is too wide; and so he lets fall down his arms and watches golden hair turn to grey and skyblue eyes drown in emptyness.  
  
A last short flash of wildness electrifies his body, clenching his fists he glares at the sky above.  
  
FATHER YOU FOUGHT ME CAUSE I DIDN`T CARE  
  
AND I STILL DON`T UNDERSTAND  
  
Still don`t understand, and noone cares. He wasn`t supposed to understand, he was supposed to do what HE wanted him to. And he did; there`s nothing more to say, nothing more to do, nothing more to choose. It`s finished now. As he turnes to the judges, resigned calmness fills his mind.  
  
I CONFESS TO ALMIGHTY GOD AND TO YOU MY BROTHERS  
  
THAT I HAVE SINNED EXCEEDINGLY IN THOUGHT WORD ACT AND OMISSON  
  
THROUGH MY FAULT THROUGH MY FAULT  
  
Slowly he winds the snare round his neck  
  
THROUGH MY MOST GRIEVOUS FAULT  
  
and plunges into dark eternity. 


End file.
